As has been mentioned before, one of the acknowledged ways of dealing with erectile dysfunction successfully is to take away the pressure to maintain an erection, by shifting the focus from the orgasm as the main objective of sex. Instead, concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure.
There are a number of things you can do to alter your focus. If your partner is understanding, then you can do stuff together, and you can work on your own. Here are some ideas to enjoy sex even if you can’t maintain your erection.
Masturbate Alone or Together
You may already have noticed that, even though you can’t maintain an erection during sex, you can if you masturbate. That’s because there’s no pressure to perform — it’s just you and your hand, and only you will know if you ‘fail.’ So maybe you’ve taken to relieving your frustrations by masturbating, and it’s a good call, because it’s known to increase the blood ﬂow to the genital area.
This is one of the major requirements for a successful and sustainable erection, so it could help you to overcome your erection difficulties.
Why not try mutual masturbation with your partner? This can be a very erotic experience, if you go about it in the right way. Make sure you are warm, comfortable and relaxed, and maybe enjoy some kissing and cuddling first.
If you want to use a lubricant — and a good lubricant does stimulate the genitals, and help you to experience a more satisfying orgasm — you could apply it to each other, looking into each other’s eyes as you do it, and creating sexual energy before you take responsibility for your own orgasms.
Don’t be in any rush to get to the finishing post — take your time, and watch what your partner does with her hands. See where she touches herself for the most arousal, and enjoy the privilege of witnessing her pleasure.
Take Your Time
Talk to each other, describe in detail how what you are doing feels like, and suggest different places to touch for increased pleasure. Focus on her pleasure, and encourage her to let herself go and enjoy the sensation of masturbating as you watch.
For many men and women, watching their partners come is a great turn on, and makes their own orgasm even more enjoyable, so concentrate on her pleasure, and forget about yourself. You may even find that, by concentrating on your partner, you will be able to maintain your erection and reach orgasm.
Boosts Your Confidence
Each time you manage this, your confidence will increase, and maybe it won’t be too long until you can enjoy full penetrative, orgasmic sex again. In the meantime, mutual masturbation is great fun, and it will become even more so as you become more comfortable with watching each other.
If you ﬁnd you are embarrassed at ﬁrst, you could try going into different rooms and watching each other on web cam or Skype. It can be very liberating feel slightly wicked, because you’re alone, and yet you’re not. You could even engage in a little role play if you are both agreeable, and pretend you are strangers having cyber sex.
There’s a lot more to mutual masturbation than just making yourself come while you watch your partner have her orgasm.
Oral sex is an excellent way to satisfy your partner without actually having penetrative sex, and you will feel good about satisfying her, so your self—esteem will get a much-needed boost. Try the classic 69 position, and you can also enjoy it, even if you don’t actually have an orgasm.
Find a position that’s comfortable —that could be her on top, you on top, or facing each other sideways. Another way is for you to lie across the bed with your head over the side while she stands over your face, then slides along your body to take your penis in her mouth.
With a 69, whoever is on top is the one in control, so it may be a good idea to let your partner be on top, so you have no other responsibility than to please her with your hands, tongue and mouth. You could well ﬁnd that with the pressure off, you can indeed get an erection and maintain it, and it should certainly be pleasing for your partner.
As has been mentioned more than once in this book, shifting the focus from the end product of an orgasm to the idea of simply giving and receiving pleasure is a great way to relieve the pressure to perform, and thus ease performance anxiety.
Mutual Oral Sex
The thing about good mutual oral sex is that it teaches you to be more of a participant than a performer, and that’s what you need to do to overcome erectile dysfunction. Your penis is part of the whole person, it’s not just a pleasure machine you can switch on and off when required.
You may wish to try penetrative sex again after a few successful sessions with oral sex and mutual masturbation. If so, give yourself the best chance of success by making sure the room is comfortable.
Taking a warm shower will help to boost the blood circulation and give it the best chance of ﬂowing successfully into your penis and giving you an erection you can maintain.
Shower With Your Partner
Why not shower with your partner, and make that part of the foreplay? Again, concentrate on the participation, rather than the performance and the end game.
If you can train yourself to enjoy the moment, eventually you will overcome performance anxiety and learn to love sex again. Until that day arrives — and it will, and probably sooner than you expect — repeat this mantra: Participation is the point — I do not need to perform, and I should not expect myself to perform.
Your partner wants a true partner in the bedroom, not just a performing penis. And if she’s so superﬁcial that she makes a big deal of it when you can’t get an erection, she really isn’t worthy of your attention. You should be able to talk to your partner, and allow her to reassure you and work with you to overcome your erectile dysfunction.
Remember that, and if your partner is part of the problem, maybe it’s time to move on. Now let’s take a more detailed look at how you can work with your partner on this, both inside and outside the bedroom.